What is me?

I wish I looked like her. I wish I had someone to call mine like she does. I wish I had her hair. I wish I had her body. I wish I was her…
I need to stop putting myself down all the time. I look at myself and just say “Is that it?”, “Why do I have to look like this”, “Why am I fat”. to be honest, I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I hate everything about me. & I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is work out all the time when I CAN, and not be a lazy ass. I need to eat even more healthy. I need to do something. What I don’t want is to be like all those fake bitches at school. I still wanna be me, but when people see me I want them to be like “Oh my god, is that really her?” Not just look at me and see nothing. I want to be loved by some other person, I want to have someones arms around me all the time. Someone that I can call mine. Guys these days are all about the looks and I fucking hate it. Why can’t I be uber pretty like all the other girls. Why can’t I have the body as a model? Why can’t I just be happy with who I am, with who God made me to be. Yah, he has a plan for me and all that, whatever. Fuck the plan. I want to be what I want. & I finally understand and I know I can’t do it. I gotta stay as me. ME. No one else. It’s time to stand up for myself and stop thinking all negative. Just be me….but really.. what is me? If I don’t know who me is then how am I suppose to do anything with myself.

Some days, I wish I could just start over. Start over my whole life. I wish I kept doing dance and gymnastics. Maybe I would look different if I have? I guess I’ll just never know…

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What really grinds my gears.

I haven’t wrote on here for a couple weeks. That’s because I’ve just been blah and had other things going on. But right now I don’t even know how to explain how pissed off I am. What really grinds my gears is when someone starts flipping the fuck out on you because or something stupid or unnessesary (hopefully I spelt that since I’m on my phone typing and there is no spell check). But anyways. I’m tired of getting blammed for shit when they do it to! Like really… Stop being a fucking hypocrite. That would have to be my worst pet pev I have and when people do it I tend to want to freak out but instead I shut my mouth so I don’t get introuble. That’s right “trouble” becuase mothers can do anything. Take away your phone, take away the computer, and or ground you. I hate being the “kid” and some parents just need to grow up. That another thing I hate, having a childish mom because she had me at 18 and still acts like a fucking child. If I could write a letter to my mother it would be something like this.
Dear Mother,
I love you and all that but you try standing inside my shoes. You come home and say “well I worked all day”. Well you know what. Your not in school for 6 hours each weekday. You don’t get pushed to have a job AND go to school while someone nip-picks at you to stop being lazy and get shit done in the house. How about you try being a teen again in this society where everything is fucked and everyone cares about how they look and everything. Its not the same when you were my age. And other thing, you leave your clothes laying everywhere, you leave shit places, and I pick after you. So stop being a god damn hypocrite and yelling at me saying I leave shit everywhere. Yah I may have placed something or didn’t get to picking up my clothes in the bathroom but you don’t have to get all devil all up on my ass when I don’t get all up on yours and pick up your shit at the same time. Chill the fuck out. No wonder I don’t talk to you about shit anymore, or go out behind your back to go party even though you know I drink. I still hide it. And I also have another big secret I haven’t told you. And why’s that? Because I can’t talk to you like a daughter should be able to with her own mother. Grow the fuck up before I leave. I’m done with this shit.

Back!

Back from cuba… like three days ago. Been a lazy ass and didnt feel like posting anything. Still lazy at the momment but I thought that something needed to be posted. Cuba was CRAZY and I had so much fun. I wouldnt even know where to start to talk about it. Other then I didnt want to come home AT ALL. I wish I was still there hanging with all the poeple that I met last year and the new people that I had met this year. I’m still kinda out of it from the trip and need a hell of a lot more sleep ahah. But I’ll deff get back onto writing even if there isnt anymore reading this at the momment. It’s nice to get stuff off of my chest when need be. But till next time. xoxo.

Lazzaah.

Such a lazy day with a shit load of studying and packing.
I was so glad to see my mom last night, i missed her and it was just to weird to be home alone for a week. It was fun when it started but then you start to get all creeped out. I learned that I am not ready to move away from home for awhile ahah. Its 1:30am and I finally finished studying and I hope and pray to god that all the shit thats in my head will stay there untill after my bio exam. You know how you get that nervous feeling about an exam? I haven’t had that feeling for any of my exams, guess its a good thing. But also I. Am. Leaving. For. Cuba. In. A. Little. More. Then. 24. Hours. SO PUMPED! I got a busy day tomorrow but I am hopping to make a last post before heading off for the week.
Another thing is. I don’t know if anyone is reading this or not. But if you are thats actaully pretty cool on my side… ahaha. Was just a random thought. Its a crazy world out there and anyone would find anything and be interested in it. But meh, I have a boring life. But I shall go to bed so that I am not dead for my last exam. Wish me luck!

Craazy Idea.

Okay soo, First off its like 3 am in the fucking morning..and I am going off a monster energy drink. I haven’t posted in a few days because of stupid exams but I am back! But then I wont be able to post anything for a week because I will be in CUBA! Threee more days, so excited. But also, tonight me and my friend thought about an idea for a dance crew. How sick is that? Get some girls that are into hip-hop and make up some dances and maybe post them on youtube? CRAZY idea that popped in my head at like 1:30am. I’m super pumped about it and I have been dancing all night and watching choreography videos. But the whole day I have been studying for my stupid last bio exam. BUT OMG! My momma comes home in less then 24 hours! I miss her like craazzy, but I’m not looking forward for the stuff we have to talk about before I go away… But at least some good things are happening right? Well… I’m gunna get some more dancing done before I start crashing and what to head to bed lol.

Just one of those days.

Today was just a blah day. I’m trying to post something everyday onto here, but today was a “don’t give two fucks about anything” and I don’t really have much to say.

All I did was sleep in and got up whenever I wanted. Cleaned. And pretty much did nothing till my friend came to get me to go study for our first exam. I needed to get out and get my mind off things and her and her mom make me laugh all the time. It was nice to smile today with so much on my mind. Seven more days till Cuba and I’m just dying to get there. Is it bad to say that I really just want a drink right now? Ugh… 3 exams to do and then I can be in the nice hot sun with my friends. I was waiting on a phone call today from my mom again but I just get a facebook message from her saying that she was sorry that she didn’t get to call because they were all hanging around the beach today. I cant wait till that will be me…plus I just miss her really bad. Well, Its pretty late and I still want to get some studying in so there really isn’t much to say for today. When your having a down day get out of your house and be with someone that makes you smile. It will feel a hell of a lot better then just bumming out around the house alone, that for sure.

Define Your Life.

Life has its up and downs. But my life just decides to be a rollercoaster. Life was fine when my grandparents where here, my grades were not as bad as they were now, when I wasn’t so effing emotional, when I didn’t judge myself all the time, and when I had dreams I wanted to fulfill. Sometimes I don’t even understand life. What is it? Wikipedia says “Life (cf. biota) is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling and self-sustaining processes (i.e., living organisms) from those that do not,[1][2] either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate.[3][4] Biology is the science concerned with the study of life.” It doesn’t say that life can be a mess, rollercoaster, and that it isn’t perfect. Someone should really define life.

Lifenoun, plural lives, adjective
Can be a bumpy road, rollercoaster and or perfect. But everything in life is going to be perfect. Rich or poor. You live your life until the day you die. Life can bring you down but can also bring you up. Wait… What the hell am I doing? Life is what you make it. So make it how you want it. Don’t let people bring you down. Don’t let anything get in your way on you to fulfill your life. You define your own life. Define it great, wonderful, bad, good whatever you want because it is YOUR life.

My life for one, I need to make it better somehow because I just keep finding out shit I wish I could just take back. I wish I could take back a lot of things…But you can’t take back what you have lived. Time to live for the future.