First night knowing that my mom as somewhere else, different time zone, and somewhere I’m not with here kicked in. I was actually upset. I miss her. Its weird. Really weird with no one to talk to at home except my dog and cat… but I cant joke around, disagree, or pick on with them. Then I woke up this morning thinking that I still have like 7 more days and 6 more nights without her. It’s ever teenagers dream to be by themselves or living on their own. But really…its lonely and scary. At night is when I start to freak out more and its hard to fall asleep knowing that my mom isn’t in the next room beside mine. I like how she called me though telling me that everything is okay and asking me how I was doing. I was about to cry on the phone but I don’t want her to worry about me or think I’m scared. I probably sound like a baby ahah, but you would miss your mom to right? And having a crappy day, missing your mom, headache, campy, and moody aren’t a great mix. I’m not even tired but I know if I don’t go to bed soon I wont be able to make the city bus in the morning because I’m so used of my mom waking me up in the morning and driving me to school. I am not excited at all but I guess it will move along the day faster. Then I have to get to studying my ass off. Also another thing I’m not excited for. Exams. But after that is a trip to Cuba so I’m not complaining that much. I didn’t do much at all today when I should have been studying. Just means i’ll have to kick my ass into starting tomorrow. // Todays song on repeat, What makes you beautiful by One Direction. God those boys are gorgeous, and their accents… to DIE for!

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In less then 24 hours my mom will be gone to Mexico for a week. I will legit be home by myself with my cat and dog. To be honest, I was fine with it till it hit me right now. I have never been alone for that long and with my mother miles and miles away what will I do? But on top of that half my family is going to. Since I have exams starting Wednesday it will keep me busy… but with no sound or anything and just being in this house alone creeps me out. I’ve only lived here since the summer and I’m still getting used to it. I don’t know anyone around me, only my uncle that lives a couple blocks down the road but even he’s going on the trip. Everyone else lives on the mountain including my friends. Also meaning I’m going to have to bus EVERYWHERE if I have to go somewhere. I cant even stay at one of my friends house for the night because my mom said I can’t leave Bella (my dog) by herself all night. Ugh, it sucks big time. But on the bright side. Right after exams I’m going to Cuba. So I am hoping and praying to god that this week will just go by really really fast. Might as well keep an update on here how the week goes… I’m hoping well.

Today was beyond shitty. I feel like crap, didn’t think I had enough money for a trip that I’m going on, and find out some more stuff about my so called “Father”. But passed all that, I got enough money for my trip, I’m feeling a little better, and I know in my heart that I will always be there for my half brother and sister. My half brother is a little older to be able to understand what is going on…  and plus us girls take this thing a little different. He’s and amazing smart little boy and I love him to death. When it comes to my half sister I get scared. I’m scared she’s going to go through what I did. I’m scared she’s going to hate everything in life for what he did. I’m scared for her. When she is older to understand, I can’t wait to have a full conversation with her and connect with eachother. When I look at her… I see me. Innocent little girl that lost her dad at a young age. But she has something better. She has a bunch of people that love her dearly and an amazing family from what I have gotten to meet. I even thought about writing letters to her. So that when she is older or old enough to understand she can read them or her mom could read them to her. We don’t live that far away from each other, us three sibilings. But its really hard to get us all in one room. All our moms have different lives and so do we. But we will ALWAYS have each other, no matter what.

To those teen girls with single parent that’s a mom. Do you ever feel uncomfortable when one of the moms ex’s come around? Its hard to explain but it kinda creeps me out. Right now I’m waiting for this one guy to come that I used to call dad. Long story. But I really don’t wanna see him so I decided to go lay down while the mom waits. To be honest, I hope she doesn’t make me come out of my room…. I still see the past and what he did and its just creepy. I don’t what him knowing where we live now or anything. I dunno… Maybe its me just overthinking but you never know…

Today I was sitting in the café during my spare. I ended up sitting in the corner so I could concentrate on my work and not get bothered by anyone. These grade twelve’s started talking about sex and all that crap and it came to my mind again. Why is sex so important in high school? There really is no point on doing it at all unless you really love the person. It’s a 99% change you will meet the person you marry in high school but there is a 50% chance on getting pregnant by the guy you think you love. High school is where you are supposed to have fun and hang out with your friends, figure out who you are, learn on what you want to become. Not to go around and sleep with every guy you can lay your hands on and getting knocked up. I think that’s why a lot of girls are insecure about themselves. All the guys go for the snobby bitches what just put out. It shouldn’t have to be like that. I look at some of my guy friends that have girlfriends and actually care for them and don’t just want one thing. But these other guys around the school look at the “Pretty” girls (in their eyes but really they make themselves ugly because of their attitude) and look at them like they are fresh meet. Then they don’t bother looking at the ones that have the amazing attitude and are really nice once you get to know them. OH, but that’s right. Guys don’t like to get to know a girl all they wanna do is fuck and dump. I’m not saying that all guys are like this. There is some nice ones out there that are kind and actually care for their girlfriend or even just girls that are just friends and you can talk to them about anything. I think every girl should have that guy that’s a best friend, he would be able to call her beautiful and tell her that she looks great when she’s sick and hug her to death when there is something wrong. Every girl wants that. But its not like I can change anything around this school. I’m just the normal girl trying to get somewhere in life while I watch others fail and watch others that don’t give a fuck like these two guys in front of me. Oh well, maybe people will start to lean but society it just messed up big time now.

There is something that will I will never get over. The hate my Mother has for my Father. I don’t blame her or anything its just that I have a feeling she just keeps throwing it out there. To be honest, I’m tired of hearing about it. I already have my dislikes about my Father and what he has done. I know hes an idiot for doing everything he has done but really, lets not talk about it everytime we are alone and it goes into a akward sound. I’m tired of hearing about all the child support he owes and shit like that. Let the people do what they have to do. I dont wanna hear about it. When the money is in then thats when you can tell me. Other then that, I don’t care and don’t want to hear about it. Let him be a screw up and mess up his life. I have grown older to know not to get my hopes up. When he started coming around again I really didn’t think it would last that long. Part of me wanted it to last and the other half just said to just go with it. So here I sit now, not knowing where the hell my so called Father is and just wanting to see my half brother and sister and give them the biggest hug. Wanting to tell them that its fine and that they will grow up and understand whats going on. Sure as hell took me awhile to figure all this out.

Dear world society,

Have you ever looked at the world that we live in today?  How looking beautiful, skinny, and everything above just to be perfect? How other girls feel insecure about themselves when really they are beautiful in their own way. Beauty isn’t all about the looks. It’s all about what inside. It took me awhile to believe that in myself and it’s probably hard for a lot of girls out there. People need to realize that you don’t have to be thin to like and everyone else. To be beautiful.  I myself had the thought of bulimia and anorexia but don’t do it. You’re going to make yourself sick and soon enough your whole body will turn against you. You will end up getting sicker and sicker and your body. The world society is making these girls want to do this to their body. Just so that they can look thinner.

Hey world society. Did you know that there are also plus sized models out there? Yah. I hope you didn’t forget about them. Guess what, they are drop dead gorgeous.  You should  show them more often instead of these sick looking girls that are a size 0 in everything. To me. That’s not beauty. That’s trying to fucking hard, or they are just plain sick. They are probably the ones messing with their body and are bulimic or anorexic. Help out and tell these teen girls, or whoever out there. That’s its okay to be big and beautiful. You don’t have to be thin, pretty or any of that. Its all about whats inside and people really need to get that into their head. I want people to be happy with that they look like. I don’t want them to have to judge themselves. I’m going to start with myself. I’m going to be happy with what I look like and just keep myself healthy. Now, start with you.